I have to be at work in one hour. And there is a guy with a mac book next to me that is running so smoothly it makes me want to punch microsoft in the face. I think I am going to finally go mac when I get home, especially as I just had a virus that took me like three days and six hours of research on the internet to get rid of because it blocks the installation of most antivirus programs. Clever clever Fun.exe. And now my computer runs slow as shit because antivirus programs eat too much damn CPU, especially on startup.

But enough of that.

I am fucking confused shitless lately. I just really really want to get home, as if that would somehow give me all the answers. IT is kind of like how I felt when I first left the states. As if leaving would make everything make sense. Is this a bad thing inside me? Confusion makes me want to run away, get perspective, then become confused again and run away again? It certainly makes for an interesting life, but not exactly a happy one.

I am so damned depressed lately.

Put in my two weeks notice. Which is weird. Like a sort of official finality thing. You REALLY ARE LEAVING Rob. That is strange. I keep thinking about the friends I have made in Australia and how I will probably either never see them again, or not see them again for years and years. Like when I left the states I knew I would be abck and see you all again, but I don't know when I will be back to Australia.

Yeah, and I keep thinking about my life and what the hell am I doing with it. Am I moving to Germany? Am I going to College? Am I making films? WTF?

I just want to take pictures and have everyone leave me alone. Everyone meaning my damned thoughts.

Blah.

I keep dreaming about having an art show, or making a short film again. I want to be recognized. I don't think I want to be famous but I really really really want to be recognized. I want to stir emotions in people. I want to tear people out of their silly self induced eotional trances. I look around me and see so many numb people and it drives me mad. I want to make at least some people feel something for at least some time, because if you don't feel then what the hell is the point to life?

I feel stagnant again. I need to create. I need to get this shit out of me. I want to feel that release of someone else feeling my emotions. I haven't felt that in a long time. Maybe that is why I am so driven by art, maybe I just want to get all of my emotions out of me and give them to someone else because I can't handle holding onto them all the time.

I am emotionally constipated.

I need a poetry slam.

I need an art show.

I need a film festival.

I need more ideas.

I need money to do what I want to do with my art.

Blah.

Anyway, I should go get ready to serve people over priced pasta and drinks. Seriously $25 for a bowl of Spaghetti? What the fuck is that about?

I geuss that is all.

ta ta.