| Horray for Charity! |
[27 Jun 2009|11:14am] |
Rob is sad because his favorite lens has broken. But through this dark cloudy sky there is a tiny strip of hope! Amnesty International has stepped in to this terrible crisis with the help of FEMA the Red Cross and NATO to set up a charity fund to buy Rob a new lens. And now they need the help of people like you to ease the strain on those affected by this catastrophe. Simply click the link below and choose whatever donation amount you wish. 50 cents? $1000? Just donate whatever money you can afford to help stop the spread of broken lenses in Rob's camera bag. Every dollar spent is a step forward in the march of humanity.
Also, if you don't donate wolves will attack you in your sleep.
Still not convinced? Look how sad Rob is with his broken lens in his hand:
Can you say no to those devastated eyes? The answer is: not if you are still human.
So donate now! And help relieve the strain on this poor soul.
Donate to the Buy Rob a New Lens Fund and help save lives.
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| My Heart Goes Out to Tehran |
[21 Jun 2009|05:20am] |
What is happening in the streets of Tehran right now terrifies, and hurts me. I read quite possibly the two most powerful passages of my entire life today. I will repeat them here for you now. According to the huffington post these are entries from a blogger in Iran which have been translated to English:
"I will participate in the demonstrations tomorrow. Maybe they will turn violent. Maybe I will be one of the people who is going to get killed. I'm listening to all my favorite music. I even want to dance to a few songs. I always wanted to have very narrow eyebrows. Yes, maybe I will go to the salon before I go tomorrow! There are a few great movie scenes that I also have to see. I should drop by the library, too. It's worth to read the poems of Forough and Shamloo again. All family pictures have to be reviewed, too. I have to call my friends as well to say goodbye. All I have are two bookshelves which I told my family who should receive them. I'm two units away from getting my bachelors degree but who cares about that. My mind is very chaotic. I wrote these random sentences for the next generation so they know we were not just emotional and under peer pressure. So they know that we did everything we could to create a better future for them. So they know that our ancestors surrendered to Arabs and Mongols but did not surrender to despotism. This note is dedicated to tomorrow's children..."
and then the next day:
"Yesterday I wrote a note, with the subject line "tomorrow is a great day perhaps tomorrow I'll be killed." I'm here to let you know I'm alive but my sister was killed...
I'm here to tell you my sister died while in her father's hands
I'm here to tell you my sister had big dreams...
I'm here to tell you my sister who died was a decent person... and like me yearned for a day when her hair would be swept by the wind... and like me read "Forough" [Forough Farrokhzad]... and longed to live free and equal... and she longed to hold her head up and announce, "I'm Iranian"... and she longed to one day fall in love to a man with a shaggy hair... and she longed for a daughter to braid her hair and sing lullaby by her crib...
my sister died from not having life... my sister died as injustice has no end... my sister died since she loved life too much... and my sister died since she lovingly cared for people...
my loving sister, I wish you had closed your eyes when your time had come... the very end of your last glance burns my soul....
sister have a short sleep. your last dream be sweet."
There is video of a woman bleeding to death after being shot. She dies on camera, her eyes wide and vivid as if starring into the face of evil itself. She stares past the group of people around her. Her eyes fixed far off in the distance. She is in another world. In her last moments blood begins to pour out of her mouth and nose, and finally her eyes, her wide knowing eyes. Her last glimpse of the world filled with blood. Apparently this woman is the blogger's sister who died. Although I do not know how well confirmed that fact is. But if it is, then the line "I wish you had closed your eyes when the time had come... the very end of your last glance burns my soul...." becomes all the more powerful and vivid.
I cry for you Iran.
I cry for your struggle, your courage, your beauty.
I cry for your humanity.
I went to Berlin this weekend. I wanted to post a typical travel entry. I wanted to talk like a tourist and boast about the amazing places I saw. But I cannot do that after reading this, seeing this, this.... terror.
When I was in Berlin I saw pieces of the wall still in tact. There is a line going through the city marking where the wall used to stand. It winds on the streets like a scar. I saw the holocaust memorial, the book burning memorial, the war memorial. I went to the museum at Checkpoint Charlie, and read the accounts of those who fought the DDR, who struggled, who suffered for their cause, some failing, some succeeding. I saw a church that was bombed in WWII and was left there destroyed as a reminder of the horrors we are capable of.
I saw the scars of a people.
And I was so moved, so struck by what the Germans have overcome. It is so impossible to believe what has happened here. Wandering around the streets you could never tell which part was east and which was west. It is all Berlin now. No division. Within my lifetime, this was not so.
And so now I think of the Iranian struggle. And I have hope for them. The Germans are an example for the world. They have overcome so much, in such a short time. And I hope, I hope and I pray, that the Iranians will succeed in this endevour too. I pray that this struggle will not be in vain.
I cry for you Iran.
Not just for your pain, but for your hope.
Godspeed.
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| DEUTSCHLAND! |
[08 Jun 2009|12:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 excited |
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Okay so I haven't been updating this very often, but I figured that since I am in Germany I proably should. I have been here a little over a week now. It is kinda crazy how quickly you can adjust to such different enviroments. When I first arrived here I was so amazed by everything. It was so wierd walking around these pitcuresque winding German streets. It was like walking through a travel brochure. I could hardly believe I was really here. I kept tripping all the time cause I was always looking up at all the beautiful old buildings. But after a few days, it just seems totally normal now and not strange at all.
So as per my tradition with travel entries here is a bullet point explanation of the events here:
Since I have arrived I have...
-Hung out in East Berlin with Kates friends. First thing we did was have coffee at a nice little cafe. Then we hung out in a little park and drank beer (I cannot get over the fact that you can drink in public here!)
-Ate döner, an amazing turkish food, sort of their equivilent to cheap but amazing mexican food.
-Walked around Leipzig, saw the Hauptbahnhof (central train station) which is one of the largest in germany
-Saw the church where Bach started out as a choir boy and eventually rose to the church composer position. The choir he was a part of is still going to this day.
-Went to a Museum on the DDR that was extremely informative and well put together. I almost cried at times. It was such a powerful exhibit. It is absolutely mindblowing what happened to germany when it was split.
-Tried some german sausages that made me sick.
-Hung out with some of Kate#s friends for frühstück (breakfast) at an awesome little communist themed cafe (Cafe Puschkin), where I ordered ein klein Kaffee (a small black coffee). My first time ordering in german.
-Went out drinking with a bunch of Kate#s friends. They were so sweet trying to speak English as much as possible around me, and translating everything that was going on for me. They are all super easy to get along with too. We all have the same sense of humor. We started out drinking at her friend's house, then crashed some random party and ended up at a local club until six in the morning. It was tons of fun. I cannot keep up with the german ability to drink. I had the worst hangover the next day.
-Went to a poetry slam which was hosted at the same club we had gone to before where I ordered zwei Kroßtitzer (two Kroßtitzer beers) and was very confused when the bartender told me the price bacause she spoke too quickly. I couldn't tell if she said sieben achtzig (7.80) or sieben achtzehn (7.18). And she repeated it for me three times very fast with a very annoyed tone of voice (I think she could tell I was american), and I ended up just giving her 8 Euros. The poetry there was really quite impressive. Although I understood very little of what they were saying, the performance end of it was extremely good (a much better ratio of good to bad than what I have seen in the states). And I think it was good practice at listening comprehension. Plus it was just cool to see a German poetry slam.
And that brings us to the present.
Things we are going to do while I am here include:
-Going to Sigmarign, where I will meet KAte's mom and hopefully see a castle and swim at the lake.
-Going to Dresden during some crazy festival thing.
-Going back to Berlin to see a bit more.
And that is all for now! I will talk to y'all later.
And if I have z's and y's mixed up int this post or ' and # mixed up that is because I am using a german keyboard. My apolagies.
Tootles.
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| Flaming Lips |
[26 Apr 2009|01:27am] |
I haven't updated this in forever. But I thought it would be noteworthy to tell you all that I got to spend an entire set onstage with The Flaming Lips. I ran hand held camera for them today. It was THE best show I have ever worked. I got the drummer to sign my backstage pass.
I love my life right now.
more later (maybe)
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| Recipe to Create Barack Obama |
[06 Nov 2008|06:59am] |
Take FDR's ability to think outside the box and change everything, mix it together with Kennedy's charisma and Lincoln's ability to unify a bitterly divided nation, add a dash of Washington's common sense, and let it stew in Chicago's slums, then place in the Senate for cooling, and
BAM!
You have a man who might just shape up to be america's greatest president. Serve warm to the american people.
Nov 4th 2008, a day that will live in history. The day that we proved that american ideals are still here, that we are still a great nation that produces great thinkers, that there is still hope for our future.
For the first time in my adult life I feel like an American, and I can say that with pride.
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| a postmodern threat to american sanity |
[03 Oct 2008|07:48am] |
Alright, so if you guys would kindly check into your memory banks you would remember John McCain spouting something about a "transcendental threat" or some such nonsense. I found this quite humorous. The over soul is threatening us! Noooooo! Now they have switched to calling it an "existential threat," which is equally as funny. Are we going to discover that all our knowledge is actually an illusion? Nooooooo!
Now I know both these words have definitions other than the obvious philosophical ones, that we can safely assume fit McCain's points (he was a literature major in college, so I am sure he has a good vocabulary). But I still think that with people who actually use these words, the most immediate association with them is the philosophical meanings. So in my mind, although they are not incorrect usage, it is still bad diction, especially if you are trying to paint yourself as the average joe. The average joe doesn't like words with multiple syllables, that is why he calls himself Joe and not Joseph. Joseph sounds too pretentious.
So you are effectively making the uneducated feel threatened and angered by your vocabulary, and the educated laugh at the word usage, alienating both groups. Good work McCain.
Don't argue with me on this point by the way, cause honestly I don't care. It is just my impression, not fact, so leave me alone about it.
So, I finally get to my point. In keeping with John McCain's tradition of using philosophy to talk about the state of the nation, I want to talk about the "postmodern threat" that I see bearing down on us. This is also a shout out to Mike, who calls everything postmodern, which I find delightful.
Anywho! Has anyone noticed how freaking odd it is that all these Republican Senators and Representatives talk about how McCain is going to "bring about change in Washington!" or "take Washington on!" and what not. You would think they were not actually part of Washington by the way they talk. It is mind boggling. "Yeah! We need John McCain to kick our ass! We suck! Why the hell are we even in office?!" Same goes for John McCain. He has been in Washington for so god damned long. He is part of the very problem he wants to change. It doesn't make any sense. I think that the Republican party is going through some sort of crazy identity crisis, or should I say they are victims of the "postmodern threat" to our sanity? Perhaps this is the new weapons of the terrorists! Attack their minds with post modernism! No one will know what the hell is going on! Chaos will ensue!
The other example of this would be the media. They also talk about themselves constantly as if they had no control over their own actions. With them, it is almost egocentric. "How will the candidates try to play the news cycle?" "he media doesn't talk about issues, they just talk about frivolous nothings." "We suck! Why do we sit around and talk about bullshit instead of real things? Damn us!" I'll tell you why you do that media. You are suffering from the "postmodern threat" to American sanity as well.
The media and Washington have taken on a rhetorical life of their own. They have evolved into their own consciousness and become self aware. But it is an odd detached self awareness. The people inside these institutions have become so ingrained into it, that they believe they are playing no part in it's actions. They are helpless cells in a vast organism that have no control over what the whole does. This is extremely dangerous. By allowing this self aware entity to evolve out of their actions, they absolve themselves of all responsibility and just play into the mass problem, which they themselves admit the entity has.
Now I know a lot of you are going to say that it is just rhetoric, and they don't really believe what they are saying. Which may be true, but what bothers me is that the people allow it to happen. If this entity exists in our minds, then it really does exist and it is a threat to our sanity. IF we can no longer recognize that a person in the media is responsible for what they say, not the entity of "the media" then what is gong wrong with us? If we can no longer recognize that a person in Washington is responsible for his or her own actions not the system itself, then what is going to happen to our collective unconscious?
I think this may be the first symptoms of something really big taking place in our culture. Our systems are becoming self aware. The white noise (anyone read DeLillo?) is taking over. It is becoming real in our minds. If we are no longer individuals, but merely parts of a system that we have no control over then what is gong to happen to us? This trend is something I cannot quite define yet, but something I see taking place in America. I did not detect this in other cultures that I interacted with which doesn't mean it inst happening elsewhere, I just didn't feel it happening. It is a cultural extension. It no longer just being a part of something that has a bit of its own personality. That would merely just be culture, and it is something we have always had. It is this odd, detached self awareness I see spreading across our systems.
I would argue that it is largely due to the information age, our media obsessed culture. Through the obsessive individualism brought on by the Internet, we are actually losing track of ourselves in the noise, and becoming one with it. The bombarding hiss of stimulus in our culture is making us forget ourselves and forget who we are. It is happening to such an extent, that many people can no longer recognize the absolute absurdity of Washington politicians saying they hate themselves as if they are talking about someone else, and the media pretending it has no control over what it puts on the air.
This is dangerous not only to our ability to think clearly, but also because this system can then be manipulated by people who understand this concept. If we lose our ability to place blame on the people in control of these systems, then they can continually blame the system itself, and then use it for whatever they wish (what I consider to be the McCain doctrine).
This is the postmodern threat to American sanity.
I am not sure if my points really made any sense here. It all made sense in my head, but I did have some trouble putting it all into words. But anyway, it's something I have been pondering lately and I though I would share it with you.
In conclusion, Crabby Old Man and MILF for president! Yay!
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| Eyes Like Dragonflies |
[03 Oct 2008|06:55am] |
Her eyes wide like dragonflies,
That iridescent shine,
That sparkling brown divine
Little twinkle in her mind,
Which flitted and flicked,
Darted and dipped,
Danced about the room;
Which hovered in rest
And did lightly attest
To the beauty of their bloom
In another's gaze
Foggy and hazed
By their softly sweet perfume.
Good? Bad? I liked it at first, but now that I read it again I am not sure. Critiques are welcome.
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| so much has happened |
[29 Aug 2008|02:13am] |
I haven't really updated this in a few months, which is terrible because the last few months have been life changing for me and I really should record them. I finally feel capable of doing so so I shall begin at the beginning.
I arrived back in the United States some time ago now, and Australia seems like a distant memory from another life altogether, as if it isn't even mine. My experiences there shaped me dramatically, yet still I feel as though they have only shaped me to the extent they would have if I had read them in a novel. It is odd that.
I am a much different person than I think most people realize. I think this may be straining somethings in my life that I never intended to strain. It urks me sometimes. Arizona did not change, but I did.
Perhaps change is on my mind so much because I have been glued to the DNC for the past few days, partially because of its relevance, and partially to escape my own existence which seems so dismal to me right now, other than the beautiful woman who I am going to marry.
Perhaps my negativity stems from the lack of excitement and adventure my life now holds, or perhaps it is the contrast with the uplifting joy I feel around kate, but it is there nonetheless, and change and hope, ironically, seem to be the only things I am thinking about.
But before I digress too much, I should start telling the facts of what has happened.
On arriving home I spent my first night with many old friends. Oddly, I could not really seem to connect with any of them. And to any of them reading this I hope this does not offend you. I really enjoyed that coffee session, and loved seeing you all again, and am extremely grateful for your presence there. But it was just all so surreal. All these people, and places who had become stories that I told people abroad, mythical creatures of a past life, were all back again, greeting me with warmth and faith. Yet I was not the person inside that they expected and I felt myself putting on an act for them, slipping back into my old identity.
This scared me. All the work I had gone through to tranform myself in Australia was slipping away from me it seemed. So quickly I was losing it all. Now those memories were fading into the world of anecdotes and myths as well. No more real than the words that described them. And I felt a great loss and pain inside me that I did not quite understand and could not talk about for fear of insulting the people I loved most.
I continued back into my old identity. Working at video west again, only this time I was admired and respected by my peers as they were all hired after me and had heard stories about all the work I had done, systems I had put in place etc. It was an oddly uplifting, and extremely surreal experience.
There was a mix of excitement and mourning inside me, as the place I had felt so homesick for returned and the place which had excited me so greatly disappeared.
Then Kate came. Which from previous entries you know made me extremely nervous. I was afraid she would realize how different we were and lose inerest in me.
But the exact opposite happened.
Living with Kate and David in David's apartment was arguably the happiest time of my life. (And yes, this is your doing as well david, thank you). She slipped into my life so perfectly so seemlessly. She enjoyed my friends and family and they enjoyed her. We made passionate love every night and began every day with a smile and a kiss. I would awaken to her looking down on me, whith such beauty and love in her eyes, and her smile would be the first thing I saw. No matter how much shit went down with the government, and work, and money, everyday that started with that smile was a good one.
All that emptiness and sadness which had consumed me on my return melted away. She filled that gap which was left in my soul when I stepped on that plane in Melbourne, not knowing when I was to return.
She married the australian rob with the american rob. She put a common thread through my life, and I realized that she was the only person in the entire world that knew me there and knows me here, and therefor the only one who truly knows me.
We went to the grand canyon with my brother my brother's girlfriend, my nephew, and my sister. It was an amazing trip that really deserves an entire entry to itself, but one moment stand out in my mind more than anything. As we sat and watched the sun set over the canyon I threw a rock into it, and gave her a rock to throw as well. And I told her that no matter how far apart we are, or how much time we have to spend apart, our rocks will always be together in that canyon. For thousands of years the little bits of us that we threw down with them would be together, watching the sunrise and set over this great abyss everyday.
She smiled and kissed me, and we left.
I think of our rocks often, and that beautiful experience we shared together, marvelling at the wonders of the world. A beautiful concept we will always share, a love of great and mysterious things, a love of transience and the permanence that goes with it, and a love of each other, no matter how grand the obstacles we face.
I love her so much it is unbelievable. I often get a very real fear that this is all a dream, and I will awaken one day to find myself back in that hostel in melbourne, with no money and no job, my life seeming so dismal that I can hardly bear it, that horrible state of depression from which she freed me, and took me on a journey a thousand times greater than anything I had ever experienced before, a journey that showed me how meaningless all that fear and depression really was, a journey of love and discovery that seems to continue to teach me and fill me everyday.
I want that journey to continue my whole life.
On my birthday she gave me a story book she had written, filled with quotes and pictures. It was a fairytale about a dragonfly and a platypus that met in a town called melbourne and began to fall in love. It is so beautiful. It is by far the most amazing gift anyone has ever given me. It lays out the entire story of our meeting, and everything that happened to us in Australia. I cry nearly everytime I read it. It was the gift of us that she gave me. A beautiful and powerful reminder of our amazing story together, something that I can keep with me for my whole life and look back on with joy. It starts in melbourne where we met, describes our fruit picking, our car accident, our first kiss in byron bay, our hippy joy in nimbin, our passionate love in brisane, all the trials and tribulations we faced through the whole thing, all the very hard questions we had to ask, and all the beautiful answers that came from them. It goes all the way to our last days in perth, and is blank from there, to be filled in with future chapters of our lives.
She is so wonderful.
She has given me so much. I sometimes feel unworthy of her love. But that perhaps is the greatest thing she has given me, the desire to be a better person. I want to live a good life for her. I want to be somebody for her. I truly for the first time in my life want to cast away all the depression and self doubting that has followed me through my whole life and become something great for her. I know that that depression will probably follow me my whole life, as brain chemistry is a hard thing to combat, but with her I can set it aside, and march forward towards all the things I want. For the first time since high school, I truly feel like anything is possible, like I can fullfill all my dreams and live them with her. I want to share it all with her and watch her fullfill her own dreams and share them with me. And for the first time in my life all the obstacle which stand in my way do not seem to large to overcome, because no matter how great my failure, I will still be happy as long as I can wake up to her smiling face everyday.
When she left for germany I spent a few hours with her in the airport. What amazed me more than anything, was that despite the intense sadness both of us felt, we still managed to put all of that aside and have fun. We laughed and talked for hours, knowing that it was all the time we had, and there was no time for sadness. That is what I love about her. We can face anything and still laugh, still smile, and still remember the amazing gift that our love has given us.
When she was gone I sank back into my depression again. I struggledto get things done. I missed her so much. I began a three week stint filling in for the warehouse video head at video west. I remembered why I hated that job. I felt my life stagnating again just like it did two years ago when I decided to go to australia. I hated it. It felt like all my work at improving my life was for nothing. But the thought of seeing kate in vancouver kept me going.
I got a gig with video west running camera. For a moment my hopes were raised. I would get paid $350 for six hours of work (which turned out to be about ten mintues of work and four hours of standing around). My career was moving again. If I could keep this up then going to Europe was extremely possible. But then I found out my driver license had been suspended again and depression gripped me stronger than it has in a long time. Without my license a video career is impossible. I have a lawyer now trying to help me. I wont go into all the details now, but suffice to say, it is a pretty daunting problem. I am basically doomed to a minimum wage job that would nearly be impossible to liveon let alone save on, and I dont even know if I can find one of those in fucking east mesa.
Then I went to Vacouver and my lust for life was revitalizd again.
It was a beautiful week. KAte and I practiced our future life there. Wandering around the city, looking at art galleries. It is seriously such an amazing city. It is like it was purpose built for us. Both of our career paths have plenty of oppurtunity there, and everything is so artsy and wonderful. My love for her grew there more than I thought possible. We spent our days drinking coffee, going on long walks through parks, talking about our future lives together -- married and in love, building our hope together, fullfilling our dreams together -- looking at the art all around us, simply being together. And our nights were filled with conversation smoke and the most beautiful passionate loving and even dirty sex I have ever had.
Every day began with her smile.
And now I am back here missing her so deeply again. I have to start my life moving. I cannot allow myself to stagnate just because of her absence.
I long for the hope and change that she brings my life, and I think this is partially why the DNC has been so compelling to me the past few days. That theme means more than just politics to me right now, and in a small way it fills that void for me. I know this seems dramatic but it is true.
I have gone on and on about my loathing for this country since my return. It hasn't exactly welcomed me home. On my return I was reminded with a smack in the face how much this country disgards the poor. If I was not as lucky as I am, my life would be in a lot worse shape than it is because of this bullshit with the government.
But Obama has revitalized that patriotism inside me. When I watched him speak tonight I fried nearly the whole time, and probably for about ten minutes after he finshed. This man needs to win. He needs to save this country from the tyranny that has brought so many of us such dispair. His words are so powerful. I truly feel that this speech was one of the greatest moments in history and I pray that it was not all in vain. I pray that he does make it and fullfill at least some of his promises. There is finally a light at the end of the darkness. We have our Kennedy; we have our Lincoln; we have our Washington. This man is truly one of the greatest ever to live. And I hope with all my being that he makes it. Do not fuck this up America. This may be your last hope at redemption.
Anyway, this entry has gotten quite long. If you bothered to read the whole thing I congratulate you for your effort and apolagize for all the typing mistakes as I am way too lazy to go through and proof read something this long.
In summary I will say this: my life has been very strange since my return home, but I am facing obstacles greater than any I have faced before, and I find hope in my love, my driving force in life, my dream, Katharina Gensch, and I feel an odd parallel with my country, facing possibly the greatest challenge of her entire life, and finding hope with MLK's dream, Barack Obama.
(and just to clarify I am not trying to draw parallels between kate and barack obama; I am simply trying to display the odd connection I feel with this moment in history and how it so strongly parallels the emotions of my current situation.)
And in case Kate decides to read this:
Ich liebe dich, meine kleine libelle. This entry was almost a love letter to you. A love letter I want the whole world to read and know the depth of my feelings. You are wonderful. I love you. You are my everything.
Good night all.
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| My heart is overflowing |
[14 Jul 2008|04:04am] |
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mood |
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loved |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Angus and Julian Stone - Mango Tree |
] |
I think I have finally discovered the meaning of the word soul mate. For the first time, I feel like I could spend my entire life with someone. And dont just think it is possible, but I feel it must be done.
I love you Kate. In a few years time we will have a little apartment in vancouver, and we will spend our days in art galleries and discussing literature, and our nights having beautiful sex, and everyday will begin with a smile.
The past two months have been amazing, despite all the shit.
I will update about it all soon.
For now I just needed to vent this emotion.
I am in love. And it is beautiful.
I miss her so much, but all of this is worth it. We can make it. We dan do it. I have faith.
Sorry for all the cheesyness you guys. Im done.
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| I only update this shit when bad stuff happens |
[16 Jun 2008|04:34pm] |
because I am a nihilist.
My car got totalled. Some guy ran a red light and hit me.
Good stuff.
Right as I got all the shit with my car fixed, now the car is destroyed.
Goodbye little absurd bmw. I will miss you greatly.
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| FUCK THE UNITED STATES |
[28 May 2008|12:40am] |
SO my car got impounded just now. Apparently my license got suspended right after I left for australia and according to a law that was passed while I was gone, that means the my vehicle gets impounded for 30 days. This is probably because my fucking insurance lapsed back when the IRS mistakenly froze my bank account and levied my wages.
SO
because of an event that is completely out of my control, not only was my life fucked back then, but it is fucked now because they took my car and gave me tickets for driving without a license, on expired plates, without insurance. WELL, I couldn't get my car registered because I need a special kind of insurance DUE TO THE SAME FUCKING IRS BULLSHIT, and I couldn't get insurance because I have been working all the time. I finally got a day off tomorrow where I could take care of all this shit, and of course, as murhpy's law says, all this happens the night before I am going to get it fixed.
I FUCKING HATE THIS GOVERNMENT!!! because of something COMPLETELY out of my control, my life is now royally fucked. Best case scenario it is going to cost me about $300, worst case scenario it is going to cost me over $2000. This is fucking ridiculous. I am trying so fucking hard to get all my shit together and this stupid fucking government continue to fuck me over. I hate them. I fucking despise them.
And the fucking cop actually had the odasity to say the following:
"I live in this neighborhood and if you crash into my wife I don't want to have to pay all the bills just because you are too irresponsible to get insurance."
YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. I was trying to do everything legally BUT YOUR FUCKING GOVERNMENT WONT LET ME GET ANY OF IT DONE!
And hey, here's a brilliant idea, WHY DON'T WE HAVE GOVERNMENT INSURANCE TO TAKE CARE OF THAT SHIT?! When I got in an accident in australia the government payed for all of my bills. BECAUSE THEY ACTUALLY SERVE THE PEOPLE INSTEAD OF FUCKING THEM.
I fucking hate america.
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| why german is awesome |
[23 May 2008|08:34pm] |
der Kühlmitteldampfblasengehalt
that is one fucking word mother fuckers
crazy.
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| BACK IN THE USSR... I mean.. USA |
[21 May 2008|01:26am] |
So seeing as I am back in America now and this is probably one of those monumental times in my life that should be recorded, I suppose I should update this shiznit. I wonder if when I come back and read this in ten years if they will still be using the word shiznit or if I will think I am a total tool for using it.
Kate just called me from frankfurt to ask my address because they wont let her board the plane without an address. Ha! I forgot about that. Anyway now I can't sleep. It was sort of a reality check type deal methinks. Holy shit, she really is going to be here in like 20 hours.
I am super super scared about all this, but at the same time, I sense a sort of relief coming with her arrival. That is the word donut used to describe it and it is perfect. Kate is relief.
I have to be at work at six in the morning tomorrow.. or today.. or whatever. That will be fun. I got a job at video west again really fast. Within a week of being here in the states I was already back at the shop returning shows. It was just like I never left. It is so wierd. Australia feels like a giant dream.
I hope I can get freelancing going pretty quickly. I really really do hate the warehouse.
But work is work, and it still beats picking fruit.
The party at David's house was pretty kick ass. I got really really fucked up. I don't remember a whole lot except going to sleep after the sun came up. Oh and out of nowhere Kyle showed up! That was crazy. I thought he was still in Germany.
I spent the weekend at my mom's house a few days ago. That was really nice. Ange was there too. We stayed up all night talking. It felt like high school again. I miss that.
what else?
OH! Amado's totally remembered my order! I did that the first day I was back. That was fucking awesome.
Anyway this is turning into one of those boring factual entries, which I suppose it is supposed ot be, as the only reason I am writing it is for documentation. So I suppose I should get some sleep. I might actually get some amado's first.
I will talk to y'all later.
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| leaving on a jet plane |
[04 May 2008|09:12pm] |
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mood |
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 sad |
] |
Well... this will probably be my last entry from Australia. I am at my Dad's house now. he is leaving for the states tomorrow, I leave wednesday. He is going to drop me of in Brisbane tomorrow, I will spend a few nights in a hostel there, then off I go. It was really sad leaving Ayers Rock, sadder than I expeted. I thought I was used to good byes, but I grew so attached to that place. My roomate drove me to the airport and almost started crying when he said good bye. I could see tears in his eyes. My last day I went to the restaraunt I worked at to get photos and say good bye, a few people cried, and everyone gave me hugs.
I saw my grandparents yesterday for probably the last time I will see them in years. Same with my Aunt Marie and Uncle Matt.
This is the last night I will spend on the sunny coast.
It all feels so strange.
Good bye Australia. Hopefully I will be back. You have given me so much.
I'll miss you.
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[19 Apr 2008|04:54pm] |
I have to be at work in one hour. And there is a guy with a mac book next to me that is running so smoothly it makes me want to punch microsoft in the face. I think I am going to finally go mac when I get home, especially as I just had a virus that took me like three days and six hours of research on the internet to get rid of because it blocks the installation of most antivirus programs. Clever clever Fun.exe. And now my computer runs slow as shit because antivirus programs eat too much damn CPU, especially on startup.
But enough of that.
I am fucking confused shitless lately. I just really really want to get home, as if that would somehow give me all the answers. IT is kind of like how I felt when I first left the states. As if leaving would make everything make sense. Is this a bad thing inside me? Confusion makes me want to run away, get perspective, then become confused again and run away again? It certainly makes for an interesting life, but not exactly a happy one.
I am so damned depressed lately.
Put in my two weeks notice. Which is weird. Like a sort of official finality thing. You REALLY ARE LEAVING Rob. That is strange. I keep thinking about the friends I have made in Australia and how I will probably either never see them again, or not see them again for years and years. Like when I left the states I knew I would be abck and see you all again, but I don't know when I will be back to Australia.
Yeah, and I keep thinking about my life and what the hell am I doing with it. Am I moving to Germany? Am I going to College? Am I making films? WTF?
I just want to take pictures and have everyone leave me alone. Everyone meaning my damned thoughts.
Blah.
I keep dreaming about having an art show, or making a short film again. I want to be recognized. I don't think I want to be famous but I really really really want to be recognized. I want to stir emotions in people. I want to tear people out of their silly self induced eotional trances. I look around me and see so many numb people and it drives me mad. I want to make at least some people feel something for at least some time, because if you don't feel then what the hell is the point to life?
I feel stagnant again. I need to create. I need to get this shit out of me. I want to feel that release of someone else feeling my emotions. I haven't felt that in a long time. Maybe that is why I am so driven by art, maybe I just want to get all of my emotions out of me and give them to someone else because I can't handle holding onto them all the time.
I am emotionally constipated.
I need a poetry slam.
I need an art show.
I need a film festival.
I need more ideas.
I need money to do what I want to do with my art.
Blah.
Anyway, I should go get ready to serve people over priced pasta and drinks. Seriously $25 for a bowl of Spaghetti? What the fuck is that about?
I geuss that is all.
ta ta.
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| FUN WITH GLOW STICKS! |
[16 Apr 2008|11:32pm] |
SO! I came home from work the other night to discover that someone who had gotten fired and was leaving the next day had scattered over 700 glow sticks all around staff housing. It was fucking crazy! It felt like some kind of magical wonderland. I never thought that such a simple prank could be so awe inspiring. It really was quite beautiful to walk through. ANYWAY! I went and grabbed my camera and took my latest and (IMO) greatest painting with light photo. BEHOLD! Painting with light.... glow stick style. (as always, both the figures pictured here are yours truly).
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| Life in the Dizesert |
[04 Apr 2008|12:02am] |
SO! Things are getting better. Depression wearing away, although I think about Kate constantly and sometimes I just feel like crying because I miss her so much.
I know, I'm gay and emo.
I am going to go see the olgas tomorrow with two dutch girls that are my neighbors. Horray people with cars! So I am going to get to see it after all.
The other night I went out to this spot in the desert where the resort hosts a dinner under the stars. The dinner was long over so we were the only one there. It was one of the most mind blowing experiences of my life. We climbed ontop of this sand dune and even at two in the morning you could see for miles. Just an endless expanse of nothingness. You could feel the void in front of you. It was quite eerie. To the south there was a thunderstorm about a hundred miles away. We could see the lightning from it! That is how fucking far you could see. And my god the stars! There were so many fucking stars! I saw like ten shooting stars. It was fucking incredible. And off in the distance you could see the silhouette of Ayers Rock sitting black on the horizon, looming. That is really the only word I can find to describe the thing. It looms. And I couldn't help but think about 2001: A Space Odyssey. Here I am, sitting under the stars, with a massive black monolith looming over me. I felt like Dave at the end of the movie. I have travelled across this alien landscape like he travelled through jupiter, and now at the end of my journey, I meet the monolith just like he did. And afterwards I will return home just like he did. And I will return transformed just like he did. I am a new person, just like he was a star child.
I dunno. It is all quite strange. I have always felt such an affinity towards that movie, and now, during the most monumental part of my life, it has suddenly become a giant metaphor for myself.
So things are good. I am still experiencing the world. Yesterday during my break I went into this little park to smoke and meditate (I have been meditating during my breaks lately, I think that is helping a lot). And I sat down on a bench in front of some trees and I heard something move behind me. I looked over, and there, just four feet away fromme was a massive god damned dingo just laying in the shade chilling out. IT looked at me in the same way all dogs look at you. It seemed like it wanted me to pet it. Of course I didn't, but I definately chilled out with it during my break. It was weird. It was sort of like we were buddies escaping the heat together.
Oh and I took another painting with light photo. I think this one is my best yet. I was going to post it, but I cannot find a program that acutally converst RAW to JPG effectively without losing shitloads of information. So it looks like shit when I convert it. So You don't get to see it until I go home.
I can't stop thinking about Kate. As amazing as all this is, everytime I experience something the only thing I can think about is how much better it would be if she was here. I want to share everything in my life with her. I cannot wait to see her again. I love her god damned much. Only seven weeks now. Then we get a whole two months together! That willbe so incredible.
Anyway I suppose that is it. I miss you guys, and I can't wait to get home and see you all again, but I am still living, and that is good.
Ta ta.
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| fuck this |
[28 Mar 2008|02:54pm] |
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mood |
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 angry |
] |
WELL! I was supposed to go on a sunrise tour of the olgas today. I had it all booked. I was super excited, and it really has been the only thing I have been looking forward to for the last two weeks. But unfortunately I worked a fucking TEN hour day yesterday (which happened to be my seventh consecutive day of work) and didn't get home until 1:30 in t he morning. I was supposed to be on the bus for kata tjula at 530. Alright I said, I'll lay down for a couple hours and then go to the tour. I set my alarm and drifted off to sleep. thirteen hours later, here I am, finally fucking awake. Now my one free tour voucher that I get for working here is FUCKING GONE! FOR FUCKING NOTHING! And I am probably not going to get a chance to see the olgas again for the rest of my life.
fan fucking tastic.
I am so angry. I was just so exhausted from work, there was no way I could ahve made that tour. And now I have wasted my one day off fucking sleeping. And I will have to wait another seven days before I get a chance to actually DO anything again.
And I woke up today and my left knee has swollen to twice it's original size and will not fully extend or contract. It just sort of stays in a half bent position no matter how much I yell at it and try to reason with it. My geuss is that this is from being on my fucking feet for ten hours each day, running, in horrible hiorrible shoes that leave my whole lower body in pain by the end of the day. But these are the only shoes I own that are to dress code. ARGH!
God I feel like crying. I can't take all this stress. I just want to go home.
Adn you know what is awesome? Because of the genius of Australkia's recently installed system of Workplace Agreements, I don't get paid overtime! Horray! I get paid for 35 hours each week regardless of how many hours I actually work. My overtime hours get banked so that if they have a slow week they can still pay the 35 hours to me. They make this all sound like it is for your benefit because you always have a reliable pay check. But if they paid out the overtime instead of banking it, and you aren't a moron that spends it all in one day, then you will actually end up with more money. Because it is TIME AND A HALF you idiots. So If you just don't sepnd it, then you actually have more money to get you through those slow weeks than you do with the banked hours shit. THEY ARE STEALING MY FUCKING OT AND IT IS LEGAL!
Argh.
On the bright side, I had more CSS's (Customer Satisfaction Sheets) in my favour than anyone else who works there. Yay. At least people appretiate how hard I work. Even if it isn't any of my co-workers.
I found this look out that faces west the other day. I am going to see if I am capable of walking there and taking some photos tonight. God I hope that I am. I need this.
I feel better now that I have ranted. I just want to go home.
EDIT:
I almost forgot. I got really drunk the other night and this gay guy tried to take me home with him. When I kept saying no he followed me home and then tried to come into my room with me. Adn I kept saying no so he started kissing me. IT was fucking really weird. I finally got hime to go away, and then locked my door.
Then half an hour later he called me and wanted me to go to his place, and he has texted me twice. I ahve a fucking stalker.
Two nights previous I had a gay guy from San Francisco try and get me back to his campground with hime.
What is with gay guys hitting on me all the time? Seriously, I am flattered and everything, but there is a line people! This is bordering on sexual harassment.
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| Ayers Rock + Kubrick = 2001? |
[19 Mar 2008|02:57pm] |
I went to see Ayers Rock today. It is FUCKING INCREDIBLE. It is god damn huge. It doesn't seem to be part of the land like other mountains. It sits on top of it like a sleeping giant. It looms over. Watches you from the horizon. It feels almost like it is judging you. I dunno. It was crazy eerie.
We had a free guided tour that told us a little bit about the aboriginal dreamtime stories that go along with the rock. Come really cool things to note: The rock has been used as a place to teach the young about the world for the past 40.000 years (till white men fucked it up). It was a sort of class room where they painted on the walls to teach how to hunt and find food. It also has been the place for the ceremonies where one moves from child to adult to elder for the past 40,000 years (till white men fucked it up). They get this fourty thousand y;ear figure by daiting the layers of paintings on the walls.
ANYWHO!
It is also in geological terms, referred to as a monolith. It is in fact the largest naked face monolith in the world (meaning it is not burried in dirt). And it is the second largest monolith in the wordl (the first being in Western Australia, but that one is covered in dirst so it just looks like a mountain.
NOW!
It is a monolith, and it has been the traditional place of learning and changing from one stage of life to another for the entire history of the oldest recognized religion on earth (the anaru people of this area).
Monolith... change... this should sound familiar to anyone who has studied the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey.
I wonder if that is a total coincedence or if Arthur C Clark and Kubrick knew this and used the monolith as an allusion to this religion. IT is quite fascinating really.
Anyway, I have to go... ]
TATA mi amigos
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